Treffer: THE THINGS WE CARRY.

This article draws a parallel between my experience as a high school Math teacher and the narrative of O'Brien's classicT, he Things They Carried. The internal conflicts, personal and philosophical dilemmas born from a controversial war are framed as metaphors for similar emotions born from the struggle of a black teacher teaching black students in a school system that does not serve them. If I project the text of The Things They Carried onto that of my teaching career, I perceive the intersection of the two narratives in the parallel between O'Brien and his reluctant then resigned participation in the Vietnam War and the dilemmas and transformations of so many zealous Black teachers. Both sets of tales illuminate for me the sometimes indomitable power that a scripted, prescribed and/or compulsory role can have on one's behavior. A "role" often subverts and ultimately dismisses one's espoused attitudes, values and morals. A "role" often compels one to casually perform actions in direct contradiction to them. As Milgram's (1961) study--wherein participants delivered what they believed to be electric shocks to a "learner"--suggests, a role can even reveal how fragile our humanity is. In my nearly ten years as a public school Math teacher, I observed first-hand many of my Black colleagues contribute to or perpetuate the very phenomena that they vocally railed against, like unfair punishment of boys of color, low expectations for Black students, culturally destructive pedagogy, and inappropriate relationships with students. Though the underlying rationale for their actions differed from the popular logic of White salvation or White antipathy that permeates public schools, the results of them were remarkably similar. For example, I regularly listened to my Black comrades fiercely advocate for what I considered severely harsh disciplinary measures because "the world isn't going to tolerate that kind of behavior from them; they need to learn accountability now [before it's too late]." In other cases, I witnessed comrades with powerful and affirming messages to transmit to students transform themselves into preachers instead of instructional guides. When some students inevitably rejected their lecture-heavy pedagogy, these adults lashed out at or embarrassed them publicly for "not understanding the game," "being so brainwashed," or not "realizing what they're up against out there." In yet other examples, I witnessed my comrades dismiss students who performed poorly in their classes as "lost" or "just dumb" based mainly on the assumption that Black students should necessarily flourish in classrooms with Black teachers. Unfortunately, the idea that one's social location obviates effective and creative instruction has been evident in too many classrooms that I have seen. I do not write about the men and women above with an ounce of scorn because I too made similar mistakes in my teaching tenure. I well understand the desperation, the deep frustration with the personal, political and socio-economic ecology in which schooling sits, the genuine pain and the deep-seated fear that lends to the behaviors above. I well understand that White and Asian teachers are not the only ones who damage Black students despite their best intentions. Our best intentions too are often tainted by anachronisms, myths, pathologies, prejudices, pride, and, yes, racism. Certainly mine were not immune. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

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